My search of the truth begun in my early youth. The big questions were hanging around all the time. Such questions which everyone naturally sometimes question. Once I was on a visit to one of my dearest friends and was reading a magazine for seekers. I read an amazing article of Bhagwan Shree Rajneesh. I felt a great yes to his way of explaining things, his quotes and comments. On some level he made a strong impression on me, I wanted more. At the same time I read books of TM-meditation, J Krishnamurti and of a Indian Guru called Sri Aurobindo and his movement. One of the main books this time was "Journey to India" by Paul Brunton. His struggle and search for a true Guru in India. He finally met Ramana Maharshi after a long struggle.
There is a saying in India, which I read in the book, it goes; "when the student is ready the master appears." In other words, I do my best but ultimately it is not in my hands. That quote somehow felt true.
One Event also in my early youth I still have a great memory of happened when I was walking on a small bicycle road. Suddenly there was a so called jump in consciousness. My sense of a personal self was crystal clear. My identity as a person felt complete. Before there were just the world, but now there seem to bee a world AND a 'me'.
The teenage period was chaotic, confusing, anguish full and lot of seeking. I wanted to do something with my life, I was after the Big One, to be famous was nothing, to be rich was futile, I was after God himself. India seemed to have something to offer, I looked for the east, Yogis , Gurus, Avatars, Buddhists and so on....After a while, I think it was 1984 I met a disciple and a devotee who was initiated to a Indian Guru from north of India. I was young and open to anything, he make a great influence on me. He as a person was also the total contrast to me. I saw that there was alternative way of living, to be. I had found a friend for life. This maybe sounds odd but it is just a way of expressing what took place. I could see that he was a light onto himself. He was luminous. That integrity, being, presence that light so to speak shine in the pictures of his guru. I wanted to meet him, I wanted to be initiated at any cost.
One Zenmaster wrote a book called "the three pillars of Zen". In one chapter an American housewife got a great awakening experience, a satori after a retreat, I would say. It hit me quite hard. She said;
"I am dead, there is nothing I can say is 'me'. There in reality has never been any 'me'. It is just a way of explaining things, a image in the mind, a pattern. I was dizzy and immensely happy. Everything that I gazed at radiated of beauty. In reality there is nothing to know. The physical world is an endlessly ocean of movement, time existence. But at the same time an infinite ocean of silence and emptiness. Every object is transparent and alive. ....there is nothing to do. to 'be' is a complete action in itself."
The point was that can this happened to an ordinary American housewife, then it can happened to me too.
In the spring of 1985 I was allowed to be initiated by the Gurus represent ant in Sweden and in the following winter I met the Guru in Bombay. I was 'doing' meditation, vegetarian, non alcohol, and still reading a lot. Rajneesh, Castaneda, Tibetan called Tartan Tulku (Time, Space and Knowledge) and a Swedish professor on sociology called Kaj Håkansson (The unseen), the Tibetan book of the dead and so on.
My first meeting with mother India was a big chock. The heat, the smell mixture of diesel, dust, incenses, spicy food, latrine, open fires, burnt rubber. Beggars, the horrible traffic, noise and faces everywhere. I was lost in this chaos. But in away I was familiar with chaos, I had it inside. After a while a great love started to arise to Bombay and India. A feeling of being at home. This is the true life; chaos, insecure, colors, traffic jams, people, faces, nothing works in the way you want. Beautiful, life as it is, how it is.
By heart I knew that my Guru was 'true' but there were lot of stuff in the teaching that didn't fit, it didn't make sense. I tried to 'make' meditation but it was a catastrophe, the body was acing everywhere. Something was wrong, but I didn't knew what. I was young and confused. Life was miserable. Identity crisis. Concepts, concepts, talks and words.
Anyway, two main points was clear "Anything that leeds to meditation cannot be wrong and what is in India is here to. Where ever you are, you are there". This was my newearned guidlines.
Between 1985 and 1990 I studied Indian Astrology. Interesting indeed. But the main lesson from these studies is how to see how concepts, believes has a great impact on the mind. The minds attempt to control future at any cost, manipulate God for its own purpose. Trying to figure it out what’s Gods next step would be. If you try use astrology in order reach a better life or finding some truth in it you will be disappointed, it is interesting but useless. My experience. I missed and longed for the juice of life. Life was desert like. Life was a mixture of working for a living, trying to make some kind of relationship to the other sex, and the constant seeking for the truth.
My Guru and Rajneesh (now Osho) passed away the same year 1990. A new Guru succeeded my guru and a new era toke off with a new approach. But the main thing was that the meditation did not work for me. Where is the fireworks, when will the goods be delivered, I was confused. The contradictions in the teachings. Concepts. Where is the real stuff? Inside the teachings explanations were lacking. As a spiritual map it seem to be a catastrophe, for me anyway. Maybe it works for others but not for me, who knows.
In 1990 I made a journey to The new Gurus Ashram and hade several talks which cleared up some issues. I could sense the same radiance from him as from my former guru. I was happy. Still impossible to sit in meditation, even if I tried. I hade a lovely time in the Ashram. Everything has an end, this to. But now there is some kind of a trust, or faith was growing inside. India in my heart forever.
I met the new Guru for a second time in Germany, Mainz, lovely Satsangs. Back to everyday life in Sweden. Nothing was actually happening in spiritual matters. I let go of all spirituality. enough. Just an extremely ordinary life. Work. Married. New jobs. New girlfriends. studying. Usual living. My dad died, great loss. Years was passing. Five kids.
THEN, something happened, I think it was 2006. I furiously started to reread old spiritual books. Along the road something has happened to me. I do not know what, but something is different. With the internet I found some beautiful clips of Osho. Then the Advaita hits me with full power. This two concepts start to sink in:
- There is no personal self or 'I' in the first place. (remember the American housewife and here Satori)
- we are already awake.
- The sense of 'I am' is not an entity or an object in itself (it certainly can bee felt like that).
- everything exists, but not for 'me'.
- The idea of me is just what it is, an idea.
- Can an idea meditate? No.
- The place where the 'me' should be found, is just aware space
If in the absolute sense all is an illusion, who is meditating? THIS is the reason why meditation isn't possible. This is not to say that practice and effort is meaningless. Spontaneously sometimes the thoughts is less and a opening occurs that makes everything possible. There is no one in the absolute sense that CAN meditate. Meditation can happen, but to no-one. The 'me' is an hypnotic idea appearing in the stream of thoughts. Very natural and completely misleading. The 'me' is not there, never were.
Question the 'me' and everything else collapse.
"Man is in life as an optical illusion of light and not real"
"The 'I' can never know higher Time, space, knowledge, because he is the embodied abscens of that kind of knowledge"
This quotes somehow sums up the main struggle for me.
Another thing is clear for me;
"The discovery of your own 'being' is yours entirely. No-one else has nothing to do with it, including me. The joy and happiness lies in your own discovery of what you are. "
I started this Blog 2007 to use it as a some kind of a diary over my discovery from the Internet. Now I continue the Blog with an another purpose. The Blog is an reflection of my awareness, so to speak. The simple reason that I love the subject, Non-duality. It is meant to point to the Non-dual. To end this all, at last, remember. No words, however well said, never IS what is real. What is, is anyway. There is no point in claiming to be an advanced highly spiritual person, WHO is claiming that? Spiritual materialism.
There is nothing holy in being anti-social or being quiet. Why not talk and write? Why not use a blog?
What I talk about in this blog always remain untouched anyway.
If there is no 'me' in absolute sense, what is the problem? What is there to defence?
This is the story about the character called Roshi who is writing on this blog.
No-one is invited and everyone is welcome.